Duryodhana Returns

Duryodhana was bored of his centuries-long exile in Mythland and decided to return to his former kingdom. Arnab Gau-Swami had declared Bihar the new Kurukshetra and so Duryodhana chose Bihar for his adventure. And Bihar did entertain him with its modern enactment of the Mahabharata. Alliances broke, cousins pulled down each other, kings switched sides without shame, and advisers looked like modern-day Shakunis with laptops.

Duryodhana’s curiosity was more than piqued. There’s more masala here than in the old Hastinapura. He decided to make a deep study of this politics so that he could conclusively prove that he was not a villain but a misunderstood statesman ahead of his time.

The first lesson he learns is that everyone should claim that they are the Pandavas, and portray everyone else as the Kauravas. Every party claims they stand for dharma, the people, and justice. And then plot to topple someone, eliminate someone else, distort history, fabricate expedient truths, manipulate the voting machines…

Shakuni’s role is now played by Data Analytics, Duryodhana understands. Predictive modelling decides who will betray whom next. Duryodhana feels proud that in the end his countrymen have caught up with his style.

The anchors convert the television into a virtual Kurukshetra with their loud reports which are loaded in favour of one party or another.

When the results come out, the party whose leaders did not even get enough audience in their rallies won with “brute” majority, while the party which had seemed most popular lost pathetically. Even Krishna could not have performed such treacherous miracles.

Alliances flipped faster than Ashwatthama’s temper.

Leaders declared moral victory even when they were drowned in the muck of defeat.

This is just his kind of land, Duryodhana decides. So he starts a new party, Kaurava Janata Party (KJP). Its motto: Loyalty Optional, Victory Mandatory.

The Manifesto of KJP [Summary]

Ø Restoration of Honour for villains misunderstood by history

Ø Free Gandhari-Brand Blindfolds for all voters—to improve neutrality

Ø Reservations for exiled Bharatiya Princes returning after 3,000 Years

Ø A constitutional amendment banning lectures from Krishna-like consultants

KJP became a roaring success overnight. The young vloggers, influencers, and standup comics all took up the party with unprecedented enthusiasm. “Rewrite history,” one proclaimed. “Here is honesty without pretension,” another declared. And added: “Satyameva Jayate.”

Rival parties queued up to form alliances with KJP. But Duryodhana wasn’t the least interested. “Alliances don’t end well,” he had learnt long ago. Even Bhishma cannot be trusted; he will invent some excuse like Shikhandi.

The biggest surprise was a hotline phone call from Delhi, which was more like Hastinapuri than Indraprastha though it claimed to be the latter. “Sir,” the caller from PMO said, “would you consider being the face of our national campaign? You have the perfect resume: perseverant, dramatic, and excellent at polarising opinion.” He decided not to mention the fact that the PMO was particularly impressed with his unshakeable arrogance, historical grievance, and zero accountability.

Duryodhana looks at the headlines scrolling on his TV. All the leaders were celebrating something, even losses. Winners squabbled like heirs in a lottery. Commentators called every result a “mandate for dharma.”

Duryodhana accepts the mantle of Dharma given him by Indraprastha-that-looked-like-Hastinapuri. As he mounted the podium to address the millions who had gathered, he thought: “New India. Here, I’m not a villain. I’m mainstream.”

 This is just his kind of land, Duryodhana decides. So he starts a new party, Kaurava Janata Party (KJP). Its motto: Loyalty Optional, Victory Mandatory.