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From Son to Stranger



Book Review

Relationships add much beauty and meaning to life. Family ties play a vital role in keeping people happy especially in old age. The holiest of all relationships on earth must be the mother-child bond. The mother brings the child to the earth from her own body and feeds it also from her own body. For quite a protracted while, the infant is part of the mother. This bond is hard to break. If it does break, it leaves much debris and more scars.

Ritu Lalit’s first non-fiction book, From Son to Stranger: Coping with Loneliness, is a poignant account of a mother-son relationship that went sour. What makes it heart-touching is that it is her own story told in the most candid manner possible. The elder of her two sons became estranged leaving a vacuum in the author’s psyche which she had to deal with in order to carry on with her life. The book is the story of what she did and what similarly estranged parents can do.

A mother-child relationship undergoes a lot of changes as the child grows up. There is a natural weaning as the child becomes more and more independent as an individual. There is the rebellion of adolescence in the process. That is followed by the inevitable compromises of the youth. Then comes the mature understanding and acceptance of the adult.   

Not every person grows up into that maturity with the ease of a flower blossoming. “We’re human and sometimes being human means tears and loss,” says Ritu in the introductory chapter. Being human means to err and errors bring tears and loss. What matter are the lessons one should learn from the errors.

Again, few people seem to learn the right lessons. “The only time adult children seem happy to see their parents is when they want to enlist unpaid babysitting services for their children and pets,” says Ritu rather wryly. The world has changed a lot and relationships are also commercialised today like everything else. Ritu has rightly put a question mark on parents and the society. “Gone are the days when parents were authority figures,” she says, “now we are the ATM cards and providers of … expensive luxuries.” It is a child-centred world that we have forged today. Our psychologists, pedagogues, policy makers and the judiciary, everyone proclaims loud and clear the child’s rights. But no one seems to understand the flip side of the approach: shaping narcissists and bullies. Even parents end up as victims.

Ritu takes us to vridashrams in the National Capital Region and shows us parents who are dumped there by their own children. Dumped cruelly. Meet Maya, for instance, who was brought to Delhi from her village on the pretext of a pilgrimage to Akshardham temple. She never reached the temple. On the way, their vehicle stopped on the Delhi-Faridabad Highway apparently for the passengers to relieve themselves. Maya found herself left on the highway on the side of which her cloth bundle was left as a metaphor for her situation.

Ritu has done much research before writing this book and we meet many estranged parents and their pathetic plight in old-age homes. She has also done much research on how psychology can be of help to estranged parents. She explains certain models and solutions suggested by well-known psychologists. She also looks at the role of spirituality. Meditation can be of immense help, for example, the book shows how the author derived more than solace from her meditations.

The narrative has the potential to grip the reader. It is not just a straightforward rendition of a tale of estrangement. It is interspersed with the experiences of some real people, solutions suggested by experts, and the journal entries of the author herself. The unsent letters she wrote to her estranged son stipple the narrative touching our hearts in an emotive way. The book ends with a long and final unsent letter that leaves a lingering feeling in the heart of the reader.

The book is not sentimental at any place. Ritu knows what she is doing. She has come to terms with her pain and grief. She has accepted it with resignation and, more importantly, mature understanding. Here we meet a mother who went through the various phases of a traumatic experience: blame, guilt, depression, shame, self-contempt, self-questioning, understanding and acceptance.

The book can be an inspiration to all estranged parents and their adult children. Others can benefit by a deep awareness of a severe malady that has gripped our society today: commercialisation of vital relationships.


Comments

  1. Haven't read it...your introduction inspires me to journey through it....apart from our own limited experiences, what we could see from the contemporary art and literature, there has been loosening of the bond....in every relationships, particularly, those are deeper....reasons are borrowed or bought to analyse and infer where and how it started and why and when it took such a noticeable state of decline, yet human relationships stand as the worst victims in the current world, which, in turn, affecting solidarity, cooperation, compassion and, more importantly, peace....I still remember a few words of a letter of a WWII soldier, written to his mother from the frontline of battle...."there may be thousands of reasons to justify a war, but I shall bear only a single conviction in mind to stand by peace as without it we simply lose our morality.....and I am indebted to my most ordinary yet most precious parents for imbibing this simple spirit in me"....the young soldier could not return to his parents; only his letter reached...many years after, we stand in a world where morality has become a piece of archival interest....thanks again for inspiring us to look back and introspect....my regards

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    1. Glad to receive such a detailed comment. Yes, relationships are becoming increasingly feeble so much so we seem to inhabit a world of strangers, if not enemies!

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  2. "But no one seems to understand the flip side of the approach: shaping narcissists and bullies. Even parents end up as victims". - Haven't parents also contributed to the growth of the 'narcissists'? One wonders...

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    1. Yes, Rajeev. In fact, the author of this book also raises that question. A lot of pampering by parents also contributes to the damage.

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  3. This reminds me of the movie 102 not out... A Bollywood movie... But on similar lines and a nice watch. I completely agree with Saibal Sir's detailed comment here. It's not only the realitionship of parent child which has become feeble now but it's true the other way round too... And true for many other relationships these days... But again I guess this is mostly limited to a certain so called "upper middle class" and "Riche rich " where every relationship seems feeble and commercial! We don't see this much in the middle class and below where still the family ties are strong... Of course there will be exceptions.. But in general that's what it appears to be... So maybe the reason for the emotional ties damage and erosion can be linked to the pursuit/or possession of wealth in some way!!But like the movie 102 not out says... Remember only the good days and reminisce them... And let the other things go and not tie you down emotionally. Life is meant to live fully irrespective :)

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    1. It will be an interesting study if one can make it, whether economic status has something to do with the strength of relationships. Does financial independence make people more insular? More selfish? Possible. I too notice greater cohesion among less privileged classes.

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  4. Your review has made me curious to read it. I have also gone through the same situation personally.

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    1. Estrangement is a painful affair. May the book help you!

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  5. Thanks for the recommendation. I will buy it.

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  6. Such an experience must be quite painful, and yet the fact that the author told the story candidly after having come to terms with her situation is admirable. I wonder how the human minds can be so thankless.

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    1. Writing is a healing process. Speaking of estrangement, inability to love is the biggest tragedy I think, bigger than ingratitude.

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  7. As Ira Mishra mentioned, the richer section has been more vulnerable....yes, burning the fig from both ends....profit and asset sharing may be the prime virus, but comorbidity may also be ill effect of competitive education inspiring again both ends to end up in competing even with cells and blood cells....gradually invading the greater sky...regards

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