Humayun’s Last Cough

Preface

According to Rajasthan BJP President Madan Lal Saini, Humayun was the father of Babur. "When Humayun was dying, he called Babur and told him - if you want to rule Hindustan, you must keep three things in mind: respect cows, Brahmins and women," said Mr Saini. What follows is a spoof of the history according to BJP.

Humayun, Babur and other Emperors

While Humayun was imparting his dying wisdom to his son Babur, Bal Narender rambled in with a platter of ladoos specially prepared by his father who was a royal chef brought to the Palace after Babur had enjoyed an exotic dinner at the Taj Hotel where Papa Narender was the chief chef.

“I have graduated from the Jio Institute of Eminence,” said the ten year-old Bal Narender. Babur was particularly fond of Bal Narender and hence the boy was granted many liberties in the Palace. 

Bal Narender was a child prodigy and what he heard as he came in caught his attention.

“If you want to rule Hindustan, you must keep three things in mind: respect cows, Brahmins and women.” Humayun was telling his son Babur. Devotion for the cow welled up in little Narender’s fervent soul. Reverence for women made him take a solemn oath of celibacy. But Brahminhood? How could one achieve that?

“Brahminhood can be achieved by karma, my boy,” said dying Humayun. “Do your karma such that you will become a Brahmin.” Humayun patted the head of Bal Narender and the boy was filled with divine grace. He added one more oath to the solemn occasion: “I am a Brahmin from this moment.”

“We should extend our empire far and wide,” declared the neo-Brahmin Narender. “Let the empire stretch from the plateaus and deserts of Afghanistan to the oceans in southern cape.”

Babur looked at the boy with amazement. Will this fellow usurp me and ensconce himself on the Peacock Throne? Babur wondered. Humayun coughed twice and Babur took the hint.

“That won’t be easy. You know those Dravidians there? They won’t ever accept defeat. They will rather swallow cyanide,” said Babur. “And those Malayalis? They can never be defeated because they will pretend that they are not defeated even if they are defeated. They will mimic our dress and manners and get one up on them. They will add coconut grated, coconut milk and coconut oil to our butter chicken and make it their own.”

Bal Narender laughed. “There is no people who cannot be conquered with the help of the gods. We have 33 million gods plus gaumata whom I will unleash on the people. People will fight among themselves for their own beloved gods and we will rule over them easily.”

Humayun coughed again. That was his last cough.

Babur rushed to the Peacock Throne before Bal Narender could move. But Bal Narender’s thoughts had gone in another direction: how to add twists to the dead history?