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The Awards I never received



Recently I reviewed a book in my blog. The author of the book did not express any opinion about the review though I was asked politely enough to add the review at two more places which I did. A month later I came to know that my review was sent verbatim by the author to another blogger who published it in her blog without making any change as if it was written by her. The author of the book went on to heap praises on that review and promoted it in various social media too. She even described it as the best review her book had received. Apologies and explanations followed in due course of time though I never pointed out any of these to the persons concerned. Someone else who knew me through my writings raised the question somewhere without my knowledge.

This happened when I had just turned 60, too old to be surprised by such events. Life makes you immune to surprises much before the age of 60.

I can say boldly placing my palm on my heart that I have done my best in the two fields that fascinated me: teaching and writing. My best may not be anything much for many. That’s a different matter. The point is that I placed my trust in sincerity to the job I did.

But I was never rewarded anything more than the monetary remunerations. People have made me write a lot and put their names to those writings. My students made me write references and then got them signed by bigger names in the profession. I have written much over the last many years which carried other people’s names and pics. I have seen teachers who hardly entered the classroom getting national awards for best teachers. Recently I was asked by a college professor to help him write a paper needed for his next increment. I refused this for reasons that have no relevance here. But this professor is someone who earns ten times more than I do and as far as I know he has hardly written any of his papers on his own.

These things happen. They stopped bothering me long ago. A thought occurred to me this morning, however. Does it happen because I am as unlovable a person as I think I am? That was my answer to the riddle so long. I know that I have many personal traits which make me quite detestable and that is precisely why I stay away from people. I am aware of my hubris, my absolute intolerance of views and opinions that I consider fatuous, my ruthless bluntness in expressing my views, my intrinsic misanthropy, and the agonising shyness that prevents me from looking like a social buffoon. More, I am sure. You’ll surely get them if you ask the thousands of people whom I have met as part of my regular affairs in the last half a century or so.

Okay, I accept my unlovableness. But then are all those people who get what they want and more, who get more than what they deserve, really the paragons of lovability? Or is it just that they know how to get what they want and more?

I think the latter is the point. If you look at it in a slightly different way, the real point is what is it that one really wants. Do you want the satisfaction of doing what you love to do the best way possible for you or do you want the accolades?

It may not be as simple as that either. It may be that you really don’t know how to manage both. Or you don’t know which matters more to you. Or you’re not as smart as you think.

That last point blinks at me with a devilish grin. I love that devil.   




Comments

  1. Not really sir. I don't think it's got anything to do with being unlovable. We all know how hollow the writing world is. Not everyone who gets the attention deserves it. Also, some people appear as if they write for the love of writing. You appear as one such person. Who writes because he must, and because the others must gain from your wisdom. Maybe you don't need any other way of getting those accolades. Some people need to make a lot of noise for that. Your writing gets you there. Having said that I also believe that people like you are likely to be taken for granted because they appear dispassionate when it comes to claps or flaks. But I guess you have your genuine reader base and that is more than enough. I'm one of them! To read you means to learn a lot.

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    1. I'm not complaining, Sonia. Just wondering loud why this has to be like this for years and years. I know I have some good friends here as well as in the teaching-learning domain. You're right, I write for the love of it and the claps really won't make much difference. There are moments, however, when too many things begin to appear ghostly and ghastly at once!

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  2. They are not paragons of livability... It's just that they know how to get what they want... As you rightly said Sir. As for those at the other end of the spectrum... Well, as long as whatever you do gives any kind of happiness or satisfaction I guess one doesn't bother about the rest... And if not.. If one gets bothered and feels betrayed then well best is to stop doing the good deeds... It's not going to make you lovable anyways... And mental peace is supreme any day!

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    1. I wished to highlight the issue so that at least one or two will think about it. That's all. Personally I have crossed the stage for looking for appreciation. When my wife shows my own writing coming back to me bearing somebody else's name and makes fun of me mischievously, I smile with equal mischief. I love that impishness.

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  3. Yes sir. I do understand those moments and they can be overpowering but only for a while I guess.

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  4. Many times it happens with me as well at work place. Sometimes in personal life too.. I totally get it what are you saying.

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    1. Smartness is the real thing, I have always felt. The smart people always get what they want and they know how to exploit others smartly too.

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  5. Your book on coping with suffering has helped me a lot in reinforcing my belief in Buddhism and how Buddhism is reflected in most of the philosophies dealing in suffering. The tone of your book is quite similar to Sapiens, although I would have loved to read a longer version of your book.

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    1. Glad to know you liked the book. I kept it short because I wasn't sure how many people would be interested in something like that. It's hard to get readers these days.

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  6. When you listen to the stories of success, it's often about how they happened to be in the right place at the right time. A lot of work that are worthy go unrecognized. And yes, some people have that knack to get what they want, I suppose. Even though in the end it's about what we really want, and we get the satisfaction of doing what we love, wouldn't we still seek validation?

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    1. That's precisely my dilemma, Dashy. Since I have no satisfactory answer to this, I console myself with the impish grin which is cynicism in disguise. I became a cynic because of certain bitter experiences like the ones I mentioned in the post.

      I lack that knack for getting what I want. Perhaps I lack a lot of other things too.

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    2. I didn't mean it to sound negative at all. I smile a lot :)

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  7. It all boils down to what we think ourselves. If we think this way or that way both would be true. It is what is called a self fulfilling prophecy.

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    1. We can go on without accolades. No doubt. But once in a while a pat on the back does a lot of good. We are human, after all.

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