The Awards I never received

Recently I reviewed a book in my blog. The author of the book did not express any opinion about the review though I was asked politely enough to add the review at two more places which I did. A month later I came to know that my review was sent verbatim by the author to another blogger who published it in her blog without making any change as if it was written by her. The author of the book went on to heap praises on that review and promoted it in various social media too. She even described it as the best review her book had received. Apologies and explanations followed in due course of time though I never pointed out any of these to the persons concerned. Someone else who knew me through my writings raised the question somewhere without my knowledge.

This happened when I had just turned 60, too old to be surprised by such events. Life makes you immune to surprises much before the age of 60.

I can say boldly placing my palm on my heart that I have done my best in the two fields that fascinated me: teaching and writing. My best may not be anything much for many. That’s a different matter. The point is that I placed my trust in sincerity to the job I did.

But I was never rewarded anything more than the monetary remunerations. People have made me write a lot and put their names to those writings. My students made me write references and then got them signed by bigger names in the profession. I have written much over the last many years which carried other people’s names and pics. I have seen teachers who hardly entered the classroom getting national awards for best teachers. Recently I was asked by a college professor to help him write a paper needed for his next increment. I refused this for reasons that have no relevance here. But this professor is someone who earns ten times more than I do and as far as I know he has hardly written any of his papers on his own.

These things happen. They stopped bothering me long ago. A thought occurred to me this morning, however. Does it happen because I am as unlovable a person as I think I am? That was my answer to the riddle so long. I know that I have many personal traits which make me quite detestable and that is precisely why I stay away from people. I am aware of my hubris, my absolute intolerance of views and opinions that I consider fatuous, my ruthless bluntness in expressing my views, my intrinsic misanthropy, and the agonising shyness that prevents me from looking like a social buffoon. More, I am sure. You’ll surely get them if you ask the thousands of people whom I have met as part of my regular affairs in the last half a century or so.

Okay, I accept my unlovableness. But then are all those people who get what they want and more, who get more than what they deserve, really the paragons of lovability? Or is it just that they know how to get what they want and more?

I think the latter is the point. If you look at it in a slightly different way, the real point is what is it that one really wants. Do you want the satisfaction of doing what you love to do the best way possible for you or do you want the accolades?

It may not be as simple as that either. It may be that you really don’t know how to manage both. Or you don’t know which matters more to you. Or you’re not as smart as you think.

That last point blinks at me with a devilish grin. I love that devil.