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My own hero?

 


Every adolescent sees himself as the centre of the universe. He is a superstar unto himself. He looks into the mirror for long periods many times a day and ensures that he looks like prince charming. The hairstyle is perfect (though it may look bizarre to the adults). The skin complexion is fair and lovely. There are no dark shades below the eyes. No pimples on the cheeks. He thinks that the whole world is watching him all the time, in admiration. Every adolescent is a narcissist of sorts though the degrees will vary from individual to individual.

People normally grow out of this narcissism as they grow up into the realities of adulthood. Some people remain adolescents at heart for various reasons. Their own feelings of insecurity or inadequacy may be the cause. May be an inflated sense of self-worth. Parents might have contributed it through excessive attention and admiration. Or excessive criticism and demands. At the bottom of it all, probably, lies only one factor: a fragile self-esteem.

I struggled with the narcissism of my own protracted adolescence for quite a while. Looking back I know how much of a laughingstock I was in those days by pretending to be far greater than I ever was and could be. I was my own hero without realising that I was nothing more than a clown in motley for other people who took a lot of interest in me just for the fun of it. [In case you’re interested in all that stuff, welcome to my memoir: Autumn Shadows. For the print version, click here.]

Eventually the truth hits you in the face. [There are exceptions, of course, who never learn the vital truths. Such people reach eminent positions climbing on the rungs of their narcissistic self-confidence and wreak havoc on others.] When it did, I hit the other extreme. I withdrew from the world altogether into my own carapace which shielded my fragile self. To this day I haven’t dared to step out of that carapace and I don’t think I ever will. I don’t feel the need to be in touch with the world anymore.

Am I still my own hero? That’s the question raised by the latest theme of Indispire: Do you consider yourself to be the heroine or hero of your life's story and try to script a superhit? #HeroineHero No is the definite answer. On the contrary, I am acutely aware of the irresistible clown within me. The redeeming factor is that I have learnt to love that clown. My memoir is the story of that clown.

 

Comments

  1. Despite our shortcomings, all the introspection and in hindsight feeling awkward of our hyped up images, we are still heroes in our own rights! The yardstick for comparison starts with us being heroes always though not necessarily in capes and gowns!
    Nice post!

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    Replies
    1. That's a very positive attitude and much needed too. I think I haven't lost that attitude altogether though cynicism froths above it as soon as I come face to face with people. I do my best to keep that cynicism under control.

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  2. I can relate to this post and endorse your views as I also feel to be sailing in the same boat as you are. All the same, I appreciate the thought put forth by Ms. Sunita Sriram. She has a point there. And a valid point, I must say.

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    Replies
    1. No doubt, there's a hero in all of us. It's just that some of my core experiences went wrong too many times and I acquired a strong pessimistic and even cynical approach to life. But I do make conscious efforts to keep the negative side under control especially when I enter the classroom. I don't taint my students with any of that. Interestingly, for some of them I am a hero!

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  3. I wish this was kind of a general phenomenon. As in people could realize that they are now out of that adolescent phase and are now adults and not be in that self proclaimed heroism phase for ever. But alas, looks like the general phenomenon is the other way round these days... And becoming more so with time!

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    Replies
    1. Yes, we have too many people around who forgot to grow up. They create all the mess just like adolescents do at school or in the neighbourhood.

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  4. Am sure you are a hero for many of your students.
    How we see ourselves is in our control.
    How others perceive us, it’s upto them.
    Let’s all see ouselves as heroines/heroes of our life’s story as we are responsible for ourselves! This is what I believe & thus I posed this topic for IndiSpire :)

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    Replies
    1. Even the ability to see oneself as a hero is not entirely within our control, I think. My experience, rather. It's impossible for me to see myself as some kind of dismal failure, unwanted creature that was thrown on an alien planet... Well, you're right, there are students and a few others who think quite different about me. I have always wondered about that. Life is funny at best.

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