The Buddha in the Central Vista

Prime Minister Modi was taking a dip in the mineral water pond constructed on the bank of the Yamuna as part of his weekly photo op when Siddhartha Gautama aka the Buddha walked into the office of the National Committee for Correcting Civilizational Narratives (NCCCN) in Central Vista, New Delhi. An email was received by “Dr Sri Siddhartha Gautama Buddha PhD” from the PMO [Prime Minister’s Office] inviting him to attend a meeting “to authenticate and align the curriculum with indigenous perspectives as part of implementing the National Education Policy, NEP.”

Siddhartha was amused on receiving the mail. “Is it possible they still wish to learn after proclaiming themselves the Vishwaguru?” He wondered with a wry smile. He was more amused to see the honorary doctorate conferred upon him by the Vishwaguru Vishwavidyala, in Spiritual Sciences. It’d be interesting to make a visit, he decided.

When he entered the opulent office, whose floor was paved with Italian marble tiles, he recalled the huge hoarding he had seen outside motivating citizens to use only indigenous products.

There seemed to be some confusion as he entered. Everyone rose, but not out of reverence, he could see. Protocol, he heard someone whispering. Should they fold hands, salute, or click a selfie?

The Chairperson, Dr R K Sharma, came forward and shook Siddhartha’s hand. Since Siddhartha was not a Brahmin, RKS didn’t touch his feet in charansparsh. “Welcome, revered sage. We’re honoured that you agreed to participate in our noble mission to decolonise history.”

Siddhartha thought that decolonisation meant freeing the mind from ignorance until he listened to the erudite lectures of the Doctors in the NCCCN conference hall. The mission of the Committee was “to revise ancient narratives that were distorted by foreign historians and reassert the spiritual sovereignty of Bharat.”

“The Buddha was not born in Lumbini,” Dr Varma said. “It was Ayodhya that had the privilege to bear this special incarnation of God Vishnu.” According to the new history, the Buddha did not reject rituals; he simply wanted “Vedic mindfulness.” His teachings predicted modern technology. For example, Nirvana was nothing less than the Wi-Fi connection to cosmic consciousness. Most importantly, the Buddha never left his homeland. It is some foreign monks who distorted history to steal the thunder from Bharat’s ancient legacy.

Siddhartha moved his emaciated buttocks nervously on the velvet tenderness of his chair.

Dr Chaturvedi wanted the Four Noble Truths to be renamed as Four National Truths. “It will resonate better with Gen Z.” He was intimidated by what that generation had done in Nepal recently. The Eightfold Path was already renamed as Pradhan Mantri Astangika-marga Yojana, PMAY, and included in PM-SHRI. “We are also adding a chapter on how you endorsed our current leader’s philosophy of self-reliance.”

The leader was still waving his hands to nonexistent crowds on the banks of the Yamuna at Vasudev Ghat. The waves were for the cameras. There was not a soul in sight – security reasons, obviously. Most people are antinational, you know. They just wouldn’t accept the cleanliness of the parallel Yamuna that Modiji created with the filtered water from the Wazirabad treatment plant. These low-class Indians – they want filth and so Modiji has left the real Yamuna untouched.

“I taught selflessness,” Siddhartha could not control himself anymore, “not self-reliance.”

“Ek hee baat, Same thing!” Dr Sharma said from the Chair. And everyone applauded.

Dr Pandey. PR consultant of NCCCN, unveiled the draft cover of the new textbook which was titled Buddha: The First Visionary of Bharatiya Nationalism and had a picture of the Buddha holding a saffron flag.

“Will you please sign here?” Dr Pandey asked Siddhartha.

“What’s it?” Siddhartha asked since he didn’t want to read the stuff.

“An endorsement from you – that this revised historical narrative is the authentic one.”

Siddhartha drew a circle in the place of the signature.

Dr Pandey was confused.

“A wheel,” the Buddha explained, “that spins forever – turning truth into myth, and myth into truth, ad infinitum.”

Siddhartha walked out. PM Modi was still waving at the emptiness on the banks of the Yamuna at Vasudev Ghat as the videographers and photographers followed him closely telling him where the shots looked better.