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No one can go through life without getting hurt in the
heart many times. That hurts are an integral part of human life is a cliche. We
get hurt and we hurt others. That’s how life is. Parents hurt children and
children hurt parents. Teachers hurt students and students hurt teachers. Not
just hurt, we damage others many times. We carry damages perpetrated on us by
others.
Time doesn’t heal all those wounds.
Some wounds never heal. They bleed again and again at the slightest knock.
Unintended knock, usually. It is easy to exhort others to forgive and forget.
Forgiving is easier than forgetting, I think. That’s my personal experience. I
can forgive because I accept that human nature is essentially fallible. We are
born to make mistakes. We are made in such a way that we hurt others; we damage
others. Unwittingly, most of the time. Once I accept that universal truth, it’s
easy for me to forgive others. I also wish that the others forgive me in the
same way.
“Forgive us our mistakes as we
forgive others’ mistakes.” That is part of the prayer that Jesus taught his
followers. Interestingly, forgetting is not part of that prayer. Jesus probably
knew that people don’t forget hurts easily. I come across people, though
rarely, who tell me about my arrogance in my youth. They tell me how hurting my
ways were. I feel sorry that I hurt people just for the sake of protecting my
ego. I hope they have forgiven me. But I understand that many of them won’t
ever forget those hurts, those damages. It’s the same with me: I am not able to
erase many of the scars left by others on my psyche.
But I know people were helpless just
as I was helpless about this hurting business. We are all helpless in this
regard regardless of our age. As a character of Julian Barnes says, “when we
are young, we invent different futures for ourselves; when we are old, we
invent different pasts for others.” There is a time when we are busy shaping
our future and there is a time when we are forced to reshape our past. In these
processes of shaping and reshaping, we helplessly tread upon others’ feet or
their dreams or even their hearts.
The solution, I think, is to mitigate
the pain by whatever means we can find. I do it by accepting the fact that
hurts are an integral part of our life and that people often don’t mean to hurt
us. Hurts happen. That’s how life is. Accept it and the pain becomes much less.
There are other ways, of course. I
know a lot of people who take their pain to their god(s). There are people who
convert their pains into works of art or literature. I’m sure there are more
ingenious ways of dealing with pain. I’d like to know more.
PS.
This post is part of #BlogchatterA2Z 2023
Yesterday’s: Gandhi
in Delhi on Good Friday
Coming
up on Monday: The Idiot and the Ideal Person
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteReally? I doubt, Anu. Wait till you grow to my age.
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
DeleteSome wounds can't be healed, obviously. But with time, you learn to live with it.
DeleteAs someone still busy shaping their future, i know im hurting many around me...even with that knowledge, there is no way to stop it.
ReplyDeleteYes, there's really no way. Maybe, we can minimise it.
DeleteHurt in the heart vanished when we start to accept the fact it's an integral part of our life ( your words are true )
ReplyDeleteYeah, that's a simple solution - acceptance.
DeleteTime. Time heals all wounds.
ReplyDeleteBut the scars remain.
DeleteI think in many cases, hurt is intentional. Forgetting is what you can do to heal yourself, but Forgiving happens when you realize the other person has accepted his/her role in it and coveyed that to you. Well, that's foreign to our cultures. This is my thinking.
ReplyDeleteI find it easy to forgive because i assume that the other person had a problem beyond his/her control (genetic, psychological, etc) that caused the bad behavior. Quite often, that's the case too. Otherwise it's sheer ignorance or folly.
DeleteI am guilty of never letting the hurt go. No matter how much ever I try, it stick like a burr...I might say I have forgotten and forgiven but secretly I know it is still there.
ReplyDeleteThat's just the plain truth. We may long to forget but it sticks.
DeleteHari OM
ReplyDeleteAnother well-observed piece, Tomichan. We are all wired a little differently, too, when it comes to what or what doesn't hurt. A key to moving forward is definitely, as much as possible, to understand when something is intentional and when it is not. The majority of things we allow to hurt us are not about anyone intentionally 'stabbing' but, rather, that we have chosen to take something as such. YAM xx
To understand this side of reality - that most hurts are not intended to be that - requires a level of consciousness that good many don't possess. That's the real problem, I think.
DeleteTo understand this side of reality - that most hurts are not intended to be that - requires a level of consciousness that good many don't possess. That's the real problem, I think.
DeleteAccepting the pain makes it less. I agree with that. And also with the fact that forgiving is easier, atleast in my case. I can forgive and even forget to a large extent. For me once i forgive a person i tend to forget, not the person but the reason
ReplyDeleteAs Yamini said above, we are all wired differently on this. But you're fortunate in being able to forgive and forget...
DeleteI've been hurt and rejected time and again. I have managed to let go some but still harbour grudges against people who have hurt my family and me.What is more hurtful is when you are hurt by family members. Forgiveness doesn't come easily.
ReplyDeleteFamily members hurt more than anyone else. That is my experience. And forgiving isn't easy in certain cases. Yet forgiving is better than anything else. It gives us positive power.
DeleteIf one is human, one tends to get hurt, and it is not easy to let to and forgive. However, I have realised that nursing a grudge hurts even more. Over time, the hurt begins to heal, leaving one happier.
ReplyDeleteNurturing a grouse destroys ourselves.
DeleteOne's closest you are the ones that hurts you most. To quote St Paul, "For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing." It might not be their intention to cause hurt they end up doing so. But even stranger, they expect us to forgive it in no time. Now that's insulting and rubbing salt on the wounds. At the end of the day it's all about being able to live with oneself. So it's better to battle it out within self and move on with life. Else, you are weighed down with the hurt and they live their life as if nothing's happened.
ReplyDelete