Octavian was one of my students in college. Being a
student of English literature, he had reasons to establish a personal rapport
with me. It took me months to realise that the rapport was fake. He was playing
a role for the sake of Rev Machiavelli.
Octavian was about 20 years old and I
was nearly double his age. Yet he could deceive me too easily. The plain truth
is that anyone can deceive me as easily even today. I haven’t learnt certain
basic lessons of life. Sheer inability. Some people are like that.
Levin would say that my egomania
and the concomitant hubris prevented my learning of the essential lessons of
life. That would have been true in those days when Octavian took me for a
farcical ride. By the time that ride was over, I had learnt at least one thing:
that my ego was pulped. More than 20 years have passed after that and I haven’t
still learnt to manage affairs in the world of people. That’s why I admit my
sheer inability to learn some fundamental lessons of life. That’s why I live
like a practical recluse. I say this openly because some people around me seem
to think that it is my ego which keeps me away from others. No, let me make it
clear lest another Octavian trespasses into my heart with missionary zeal. My
ego died long ago, painfully but for good, for all practical purposes.
Octavian was a student for
priesthood. Where is he now? I don’t know. If he became a priest, by now he
would have been Pope Octavianus. And he would have written an encyclical titled
Misericordia Dominia Nostri. Shrewd, Octavian was, if nothing else.
It is that sort of shrewdness that I
never succeeded in learning. Is it learned or is it in one’s genes? I don’t
know. All I know is that I tried my best to acquire this ‘virtue’ of shrewdness
which is known by better names such as ‘social intelligence’ and ‘emotional
intelligence’. I still remain a novice in that area. So I conclude it can’t be
learnt really. It should be there in your veins when the universe’s womb spits
you out on to this hostile planet. If it isn’t there for whatever reason, you
are doomed to be clowned by Octavians.
Maybe, I’m being harsh to Octavian.
Maybe, he was making genuine efforts to teach me the world’s ways. For example,
one day he invited me to his room in the seminary. I was rather curious to see
his seminary and its ways. When I visited his washroom, a notebook of his that
was left there didn’t escape my attention. I appreciated the young man’s
dedication to his studies which extended even to his washroom. I mentioned it
as an eminent example in one of my classes later. Octavian was quick to draw my
attention privately to my breach of trust. How dared I mention his very private
habits to the public?
I learnt many such things from
Octavian, the last lesson being that I was not really fit for the world of
Octavians. His very taking me to his room and his leaving of the notebook in
the washroom were all part of a preplanned game. Testing me and teaching me
certain lessons were two duties assigned to Octavian by Rev Machiavelli.
Psychologist Eric Berne taught us
that when we interact with others we’re actually playing games –power games,
sexual games, competitive games, and so on. Most of these games are destructive
and are being played unconsciously. We need to understand these games if we are
to be able to take control of our responses and develop more fulfilling and
secure relationships. I was too much of a clown in that playground of life.
Octavian was trying to help me. Under Rev Machiavelli’s guidance.
It all ended up as a big farce. I
didn’t succeed in learning those lessons they were trying to teach me. Sheer
inability, as I have said already. Both they and I failed. Yet another
lose-lose game in the world of complex human affairs.
Since we dragged Eric Berne in here,
let me take something more from him. I’m still a child in the sense of the
three ego states specified by him. Every human being has three key ego states:
Parent, Adult, Child. You can behave like a parent giving instructions to
others. Octavian, my student, became my parent. I was his child. The objective
was very noble: to make me behave like the adult that I was supposed to be.
A quarter of a century after I
released myself from Octavian and other self-appointed ‘parents’ of mine, I
still remain a child in too many ways. Some manufacturing defect, I guess. Let
it be. All that I can do is to keep myself far away from you. To safeguard you
from me and me from you.
Octavian too appears along with Rev Machiavelli in some of my nightmares even to this day. Some people won’t leave you alone. That’s how life’s games are.
PS. I'm
participating in #BlogchatterA2Z
Being trusting and open isn't a defect. These people abused your trust. That's on them. You deserve to have people in your life that treat you with respect and care.
ReplyDeleteI was fortunate to have some such people in my life after I left Shillong.
Delete"It should be there in your veins when the universe’s womb spits you out on to this hostile planet."
ReplyDeleteCouldn't have phrased it better. I still keep the hope that there's a place for all of us in this world. The cunning and the innocent, for some unseen reason. But maybe thats just my ego talking or i too am unable to learn. But in that way i like to practice what some sages keep preaching. "Detachment" No one will ever be that important enough to hurt my psyche.... or so i like to believe.
I have grown up enough to practise 'detachment'. For the rest, I decided to come to terms with the child in me.
DeleteHari Om
ReplyDeleteFalling into the parent role (without true responsibility) is as much an act of ego as anything. I have worked long with the theory, both for clients and myself, and what I have learned is that to be the adult requires a good deal more effort and self awareness than the other two positions. And it's easy to fall away from the effort...YAM xx
True. To be an adult is the real challenge in that framework. So very few manage to stay in that state.
DeleteTraitors will not leave our mind. Enemies will. We cannot digest because, we can predict our enemies, not the traitors.
ReplyDelete//The objective was very noble: to make me behave like the adult that I was supposed to be.//
So painful to read this. Hope the pain came out as words, offer you solace!
I have learnt to smile at these memories, so they are more tickles now than pain.
Delete