Love’s conundrums

John Powell was one of my favourite authors for a very brief period in my youth.  I was a student of religion then and I found Powell, a Jesuit priest, stimulating.  He combined religion with psychology in a very captivating manner.  In his book The Secret of Staying in Love he said, “It is an absolute human certainty that no one can know his own beauty or perceive a sense of his own worth until it has been reflected back to him in the mirror of another loving, caring human being.”

Those were days when I had not learnt to love.  I was in search of love, though.  Looking back from the vantage point of an ageing man, I know that I was in search of certain very basic human needs, simpler than love even.  Simple recognition, may be.  Just the need to be recognised as a human being worthy of his existence.  The search for such simple things when you should be concerned about more serious things that befitted your age makes you a laughing stock.  I was a standing joke among my companions as well as the grown-ups around.  Probably some of those grown-ups were genuinely concerned too.  One of those grown-ups told me one day with a deadly concern in his eyes, “You have a lot of unresolved psychological problems.”

I knew many persons were genuinely concerned about me, but I didn’t know how to respond to that concern.  Unfortunately their concern only served to reveal to me my inner ugliness, just the opposite of what Powell wrote.  It’s not their fault, of course, though I thought so in those days.  Now I know that I was a pathetic failure then in almost every way.

Years and years later, I learnt the importance of reflecting the beauty of my students (the only people with whom I have any meaningful contact) back to them the way Powell wanted it.  Interestingly, sometimes my effort is misunderstood too.  Not by the person who receives the affection but by some onlookers who misinterpret it.  That’s one of the many conundrums of love I have discovered.  That’s okay, however.  I understand.  But it’s a bit painful too especially when it affects certain beautiful relationships I built up with much effort.