John Powell was one of my
favourite authors for a very brief period in my youth. I was a student of religion then and I found
Powell, a Jesuit priest, stimulating. He
combined religion with psychology in a very captivating manner. In his book The Secret of Staying in Love he said, “It is an absolute human
certainty that no one can know his own beauty or perceive a sense of his own
worth until it has been reflected back to him in the mirror of another loving,
caring human being.”
Those were days when I
had not learnt to love. I was in search
of love, though. Looking back from the
vantage point of an ageing man, I know that I was in search of certain very
basic human needs, simpler than love even.
Simple recognition, may be. Just
the need to be recognised as a human being worthy of his existence. The search for such simple things when you
should be concerned about more serious things that befitted your age makes you
a laughing stock. I was a standing joke
among my companions as well as the grown-ups around. Probably some of those grown-ups were
genuinely concerned too. One of those
grown-ups told me one day with a deadly concern in his eyes, “You have a lot of
unresolved psychological problems.”
I knew many persons were
genuinely concerned about me, but I didn’t know how to respond to that concern.
Unfortunately their concern only served
to reveal to me my inner ugliness, just the opposite of what Powell wrote. It’s not their fault, of course, though I
thought so in those days. Now I know
that I was a pathetic failure then in almost every way.
Years and years later, I
learnt the importance of reflecting the beauty of my students (the only people
with whom I have any meaningful contact) back to them the way Powell wanted
it. Interestingly, sometimes my effort
is misunderstood too. Not by the person
who receives the affection but by some onlookers who misinterpret it. That’s one of the many conundrums of love I
have discovered. That’s okay,
however. I understand. But it’s a bit painful too especially when it
affects certain beautiful relationships I built up with much effort.
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