Skip to main content

India’s Valentines


India’s ruling party, Narendra Modi’s own party, wants Indians to celebrate Valentine’s Day as Cow Hugging Day. Valentine is a Western concept, they inform us. India has a superior sexual morality. Like what you see in the classical temples of Khajuraho in Madhya Pradesh, the Sun Temples of Odisha and Gujarat, Virupaksa of Hampi in Karnataka, the Jain temples of Rajasthan, the Sathyamurthy Perumal Temple of Tamil Nadu, and the Lingaraj Temple of Odisha. If I post pictures of the sculptures from those temples, Google may block my post as obscene because Google is Western and India is the West’s Guru now. But let me try anyway to put a representative pic or two here, just to give you an idea of what ancient Indian civilisation was offering to its temple devotees. 

Just Google for Indian temple erotica for a lot, lot more

India is a country that gave Kamasutra to the world. Kamasutra is not just a sex manual though any average man and some women too will love it as that. It describes all the possible sexual positions a couple can have in bed or out of it. Anywhere. How do you make sex a delight? India’s own Kamasutra will teach you that. Kamasutra is a nuanced exploration of love, desire, and interpersonal relationships, Google teaches me. It is Google that tells me that Kamasutra is more than a sex manual. Kamasutra is nothing like what people do in the West in the name of Valentine’s Day. In the West, they kiss in public places. Here in Kamasutra, you go all out and out and do duma-dum. Enjoy yourself to the hilt. In the temple premises, if you prefer. The temple premisses are the safest places for those who had the energy to try out all those positions in those Kama days.

Anywhere, if you belonged to certain castes or groups. Because the Tantric traditions of India teach us that sexuality is a path to spiritual liberation. Just go and watch those tantric yogis in Yogi’s UP even today. Their ancestors pulled whole vehicles with their penises. The genital was a bulldozer in the land of Shiva in those old days of Hindutva’s glory.

Hindu or Muslim, every king in India was a potent shagger, says the classical book Freedom at Midnight. Let me quote:

Whether he was Hindu or Moslem, the harem was an integral part of a real ruler’s palace, the prince’s private preserve kept regularly stocked with dancing girls and concubines.

Being a ruler in the so-called classical India meant being a shagger. Even today, we Indians are being screwed. Not like what Bhupinder Singh did. Today it is taxes because our present king is a brahmachari who rubbished his wife in childhood, discarding the diktats of his religion.

Oh no, I’m digressing.

Let me quote Freedom at Midnight once again.

Bhupinder Singh, King of Patiala, demonstrated a remarkably refined aptitude for … sex. As he came to maturity his devotion to his harem eventually surpassed even his passions for polo and hunting….

As a prince, he used to station a score of bare-breasted girls like nymphs at intervals at the rim of his swimming pool… The Maharaja came out of the pool from time to time to caress a breast or sip a whiskey. The walls and ceilings of Bhupinder Singh’s private quarters were covered with representations of the erotic temple sculptures for which India is justly famous, a catalogue of copulative possibilities to exhaust the most inventive mind and athletic body.

This King of Patiala used to appear once a year before his subjects absolutely naked except for the diamond breastplate he wore. His penis would be erect proving to his subjects that he was a potent man. Sexual potency was of great importance in India. Bachelors with no children were considered impotent and hence mere trash. The King of Patiala walked around before his subjects with his penis in full erection once a year and his subjects approved of his sexual and his manly potency. The King was regarded as an incarnation of Lord Shiva who had great phallic powers.

India! My India gives me an erection. Om Nama Shivaya! 

Today’s India, under Mr Narendra Modi’s leadership, has about three million sex workers. That is the highest number of prostitutes in the world for a country today, leaving aside the war-ridden Russia of another narcissist. The International Union of Sex Workers gives that figure on their website. Apart from all those millions of sex workers are the youngsters who screw around with the help of what’s called dating apps. Twenty million Indians used dating apps five years ago. Now 82.4 million Indians rely on dating apps for satiating their ancient cultural sexual appetites.

Should we shun the Valentine’s Day? I don’t know. I would personally love to hug a human rather than a cow.

Labels:

Comments

  1. Liz A.February 14, 2024 at 1:12 AM

    Feel free to ignore Valentine's Day. I do.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Tomichan MatheikalFebruary 14, 2024 at 8:18 AM

      I never had anything to do with it. But if people want it, who am I to tell them to hug cows instead?

      Delete
  2. magiceyeFebruary 14, 2024 at 7:08 AM

    Wow! A white or rather blue paper on sex in India through the ages!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Yamini MacLeanFebruary 14, 2024 at 7:19 AM

    Hari Om
    Never had any truck with Valentine's... YAM xx

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Adventures of Toto as a comic strip

  'The Adventures of Toto' is an amusing story by Ruskin Bond. It is prescribed as a lesson in CBSE's English course for class 9. Maggie asked her students to do a project on some of the lessons and Femi George's work is what I would like to present here. Femi converted the story into a beautiful comic strip. Her work will speak for itself and let me present it below.  Femi George Student of Carmel Public School, Vazhakulam, Kerala Similar post: The Little Girl
47 comments
Read more

Waiting for the Mahatma

Book Review I read this book purely by chance. R K Narayan is not a writer whom I would choose for any reason whatever. He is too simple, simplistic. I was at school on Saturday last and I suddenly found myself without anything to do though I was on duty. Some duties are like that: like a traffic policeman’s duty on a road without any traffic! So I went up to the school library and picked up a book which looked clean. It happened to be Waiting for the Mahatma by R K Narayan. A small book of 200 pages which I almost finished reading on the same day. The novel was originally published in 1955, written probably as a tribute to Mahatma Gandhi and India’s struggle for independence. The edition that I read is a later reprint by Penguin Classics. Twenty-year-old Sriram is the protagonist though Gandhi towers above everybody else in the novel just as he did in India of the independence-struggle years. Sriram who lives with his grandmother inherits significant wealth when he turns 20. Hi...
9 comments
Read more

The Lights of December

The crib of a nearby parish [a few years back] December was the happiest month of my childhood. Christmas was the ostensible reason, though I wasn’t any more religious than the boys of my neighbourhood. Christmas brought an air of festivity to our home which was otherwise as gloomy as an orthodox Catholic household could be in the late 1960s. We lived in a village whose nights were lit up only by kerosene lamps, until electricity arrived in 1972 or so. Darkness suffused the agrarian landscapes for most part of the nights. Frogs would croak in the sprawling paddy fields and crickets would chirp rather eerily in the bushes outside the bedroom which was shared by us four brothers. Owls whistled occasionally, and screeched more frequently, in the darkness that spread endlessly. December lit up the darkness, though infinitesimally, with a star or two outside homes. December was the light of my childhood. Christmas was the happiest festival of the period. As soon as school closed for the...
14 comments
Read more

A Government that Spies on Citizens

Illustration by Copilot Designer India has officially decided to keep an eagle eye on its citizens. Modi government has asked all smartphone manufacturers to preinstall a government app, Sanchar Saathi , on every phone in such a way that no citizen can ever uninstall it. The firms have been also ordered to install the app on existing phones too using software-update technology. The stated objective is to strengthen cybersecurity and protect users from fraud. The question is why any government should go out of its way to impose “security” on its citizens. For over a month now, I have been receiving a message every single day from the Government of India’s Telecom Department to install the app on my phone. I wanted to block the sender, but there is no such option. Even that message is an imposition. I don’t trust any government that imposes benefits on me. “ Beneficent beasts of prey ,” Robert Frost would call such governments. When Modi government imposes security on me, I ha...
8 comments
Read more

Schrödinger’s Cat and Carl Sagan’s God

Image by Gemini AI “Suppose a patriotic Indian claims, with the intention of proving the superiority of India, that water boils at 71 degrees Celsius in India, and the listener is a scientist. What will happen?” Grandpa was having his occasional discussion with his Gen Z grandson who was waiting for his admission to IIT Madras, his dream destination. “Scientist, you say?” Gen Z asked. “Hmm.” “Then no quarrel, no fight. There’d be a decent discussion.” Grandpa smiled. If someone makes some similar religious claim, there could be riots. The irony is that religions are meant to bring love among humans but they end up creating rift and fight. Scientists, on the other hand, keep questioning and disproving each other, and they appreciate each other for that. “The scientist might say,” Gen Z continued, “that the claim could be absolutely right on the Kanchenjunga Peak.” Grandpa had expected that answer. He was familiar with this Gen Z’s brain which wasn’t degenerated by Instag...
10 comments
Read more